Fear of success

I should have finished Curtain Call months ago.  After working on it three times this week, I still haven't gotten it, but at least now am consistently falling on the last move.  At least, some of the time I'm falling. Unfortunately at other times I find myself not really committing to the move, or stepping off in anticipation of failure.

That's nothing new though.  It's been a long standing habit of mine to put my foot down when I'm going for a hard move.  In fact, when talking to someone about Flipping the Switch, Flipping the Bird, and Tauntaun Sleeping Bag at Bushwhack the other day, I described the cruxes as not putting the left foot down when making the throws.

Obviously I need to be more positive and expect success rather than failure when I'm pushing myself, but I think there might actually be more to it than that.  On Curtain Call a few days ago, I finally stuck a move that had been giving me trouble in previous sessions, yet rather than being excited my reaction was "oh no, now I have to finish it."

Why would I have reacted that way?  Certainly not because I was worried about the fall if I committed to going higher.  If anything, I find that I get so caught up in working on certain climbs that I have a hard time with the idea that they won't be projects for me anymore.  My first project, Bitch Slap Arete out at Coopers, was one that I loved working on so much that I always said I'd enjoy going there every time and working even if I never finished it.  And as soon as I got strong enough to finish it, I avoided it altogether.  In fact, I don't think I've even touched it in four or five years.  Pretty stupid considering how much I liked it.

It's good to have projects, but the reality is that with so many things out there that I want to climb, it's a poor use of time to repeatedly go out to work on things that I could have finished sessions earlier.  Time for that to stop.  If a climb is within my capability, I need to go out expecting success and mentally ready to finish it, or go somewhere else where my time is better spent.  If I walk away without success, it should be because I fall, not because I give up.  This isn't something I can change overnight, but it's an ideal I hope to reach for, and something that I hope my friends will remind me of too.